this is my first official diary entry i guess? i am very excited about writing an entry on here.

a few days ago i had a "conviction" almost to continue my site. the only thing that has truly been holding me back from doing this whole website thing is just how difficult it is to truly understand html. at first my plan was to watch a bunch of tutorials and become a pro at html before starting but i would have wasted so much time and plus you wouldn't be reading this right now!

one of my flaws is being really harsh on myself when i dont understand something the first time which is why i felt very dejected when html acts like html and things don't work out the way i envision them. this site will be more high-tech at some point. i know that it will but for now it is very basic.

today has been an okay day. i finally got someone to play tokimeki memorial. i cannot wait for her review. speaking of tokimeki memorial i would like to replay it! i want to get saeki's ending again, currently i play on ipad using delta emulator.

one thought i had today was the fact that i will never see this day again. suddenly i have been feeling very nostalgic about life. this time 3 years ago only God knows what I was doing. i am going to pizza express tomorrow for the first time, i ate a lot today so my plan is to get the pizza with the salad in the middle since i have been craving spinach. i will also get some cake but that depends on how i feel tomorrow. it seems recently i always want to chew on something. all the time!!! which is really annoying at times. i need to also work on how tired i get in one specific lecture. its only that lecture where i honestly feel like falling asleep. i end at 5pm tomorrow so i am going to lock in at the library for 2 hours straight (8pm till 10pm).

nothing changes if nothing changes. the only thing holding me back is myself.

i am seriously the only thing holding myself back from reaching my potential. i keep seeing signs regarding my potential and i know my phone will be detrimental if i don’t control myself.

as i write this i am watching how to change. as i listen i understand that i am where i am right now because of how addicted i have been to my phone.

i scroll and scroll and scroll, i’m feeding my mind nonsense. i know i don’t like it. something in my life is unaligned from where i want to be, which is stopping me from reaching my full potential.

the way i live my life has been curated by patterns i have seen my entire life. from today i want to shift.

reprogramming my mind

1. in each sector of my life how do i operate? how do my actions serve me?
1. career/academic: i overwork myself at times and i don’t manage my time well. i begin well, then i have a slump and i get extremely stressed when the due date comes. this spills into the other sectors of my life such as my relationships.
2. relationships: i wonder whether i have found the right people. i no longer people-please and i realise i enjoy my time alone. however, i still need to work on my idolisation of relationships and dating, i have not actively been looking but i do have maladaptive daydreams (which i do not enjoy). this is detrimental to my mental health and time management as i can daydream for hourssss
3. spiritual: i haven’t kept up with my prayer life and i don’t like it. however, i have consistently been to church and i now have a cross necklace which i love. it doesn’t serve me that i get lazy to pray and i jump straight onto my phone. it leads to me idolising things other than the Lord which in my heart i do not like.
4. mindset: i am very harsh on myself. whenever i make mistakes i loathe myself. it would serve me better to treat myself like i would treat my future daughter (God willing). i want to honour my inner child in all that i do. i want to caress her and nurture her. she lives inside me.
5. physical: i think about food a lot. it doesn’t serve me.


2. in each sector of my life what do i desire?
1. career/academic: i want to give academic babe. i want to radiate the nerdy mysterious girl. i want to ace my tests and have a set future for myself. i want to make the most out of opportunities and have them given to me on a silver platter just because. i want to have so many choices in life that all i can do is give thanks to God. i desire to religiously tell myself, i shouldn’t complain that there is too much on my plate when i prayed to eat. i desire to take time and experiment with all of my hobbies.
2. relationships: i want to be softer and feminine when relating with people. currently i do not desire a romantic relationship but i do desire a close platonic bond at university. i want friends that are also into self improvement. i desire a friend that is into niche things like me.
3. spiritual: i desire to hear God’s voice. i want to become a friend of God and to do things that please him. i want to feel the holy spirit more strongly and to no longer feel the urge to do worldly things. i want to let God take control of my life.
4. mindset: i want an abundance mindset. i want to radiate love and softness. i desire to have unshakeable standards. i want to prioritize myself and my selfcare. i want to pamper myself and nurture my inner child. i do not chase, i do not tolerate and i am selective. i want to pour into myself, i want my cup to overflow before i give to others.
5. physical: i want a body i am proud of - large afro x tiny waist combo. i want to watch what i eat and become better at cooking or baking. i desire to crave food less. i want to prevent my physical being from becoming an idol. i want to slim my face, tone my body and even out my skin. i want longer nails and a cute figure. i want to smell incredible and have an unforgettable face.


3. in each sector of my life what is my plan to execute?
1. career/academic: i need to focus on showing up every single day 1% at a time. the first step is the hardest but if i begin now my future self will thank me. i need to be consistent with staying on top of work + giving myself breaks. i will utilize the point system, so i actually reward myself with reason!
2. relationshipsi need to speak less and be softer with others. i need to be fully present and listen just to listen and not to reply. i need to spend time with myself and not rely on others to fill an entire area of my life. i will ask God to aid me in becoming more feminine by HIS standards.
3. spiritual: one by one i will cut out things that are taking me away from God. currently i will aim to spend less time on twitter (social media in general) and cut out secular music. i still need to pray whether instrumentals count as secular music. i need to make sure i add a bible study to this website consistently to look back on.
4. mindset: i need to regularly journal and watch my thoughts. i need to not get so caught up in my life that i forget to do this. to radiate love and softness i first need to be soft with God. i need to journal regarding my past self and forgive her for not knowing. i need to regularly repeat to myself that i come first, i don't chase and that i am selective. i will no longer be afraid to start afresh.
5. physical: i will regularly go to the gym. currently i only do cardio but i will implement pilates and some strength training. i will ensure i eat high protein meals but i will still let myself have sweet things from time to time. i will be conscious when i eat to prevent bingeing. when i eat clean my external follows. since starting university and having home cooked meals most days my menstruation phase has decreased from 7 days to 5 days and my flows are so light, i do longer feel any cramps on my period. i will actively wash my face each night and begin using salicylic acid for my sebaceous filaments.


4. where did these actions come from?
1. mostly childhood.


5. patterns?
1. regarding academics i procrastinate and i only focus on instant gratification. it helps me run away from the work i have to do. it’s probably due to the fact that as a teen i hated thinking about the future. my patterns with relationships link to the low self esteem i suffered with most of my life.
2. these things affect my mental everyday which i want to actively tackle!

i’ll begin working on my spiritual and academic areas. my spiritual discipline will leak into my mindset and my relationships. whilst my academic area will leak into my physical discipline.

i want to keep in the back of my mind that today is day one instead of one day.

i tried ramen for the first time. i think i am more of a rice person than a noodle lover.

i went with a friend that i haven’t seen in a while, so i was happy! i missed her a lot.

i didn’t do much schoolwork today but i am glad i did this entry. i doomscrolled today though. we are starting over.

"the oppressor will oppress the oppressed until the oppressed eventually oppress themselves"

hello! this is a quick update!

today i did a lot of work. i did around 5 hours. there were times when i did get lost in thought and daydream but it was not as bad as yesterday. my main focus is getting 1% better each day. the fact that i did better than yesterday is enough to drive me to do better tomorrow.

youtube played a video for me while i was working. it reminded me that i need to do everything with my future self in mind. i have to build trust between the version of me living today and the version of me that will exist in a few seconds.

she gave an analogy about being an opener in a shop. she said to first imagine that your coworker closed perfectly each night for you. if one morning you begin your shift and your coworker had forgotten to do one or two things - you wouldn't be that mad at them because 9 times out of 10 they always close perfectly.

then she said imagine your coworker consistantly didn't close correctly and everytime you began your shift you had to finish their tasks as well. the youtuber said that even if you coworker promised to not forget to do anything you're less inclined to believe them, due to pattern recognition.

i will stop leaving things for the future version of myself to do just because the me in the present feels too lazy. do it lazy. do it tired. do it upset. do it hurt.

soon the phrase,” oh, i’ll just do it tomorrow” will not be in my vocabulary.

tomorrow isn’t even promised. imagine Jesus was coming tonight how would i live my life? that’s how i should be living every day since..

"No one knows, however, when that day and hour will come--neither the angels in heaven nor the Son; the Father alone knows.” matthew 24:36.

i also saw a tiktok about the poem the cookie thief - valerie cox.

i would recommend you to read it but i’ll summarise. a lady waiting at the airport for her flight. she has a box of cookies beside her. she grabs a cookie whilst she reads her book and every time she does this the stranger also reaches into the box and grabs a cookie too.

the lady begins to get irritated and thinks to herself “if only i weren’t this nice!”.

soon there is only one cookie left. the man took it and snapped it in half so they could share. as she boarded her flight she was so annoyed by the interaction. she reached into her bag and realised that her cookies had been in her bag the entire time.

it turns out the cookies she had been eating, as she waited for her plane, belonged to the stranger. he had shared them with her.

how many times in our life have we been the cookie thief?

i’ve been the cookie thief many times. i’ve had a skewed perspective and only saw myself as the victim. acknowledging this is the first step. working on this is the next.

“it ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. it’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. “ – mark twain

“it's easier to fool people than to than to convince them that they have been fooled.” – mark twain

final words from me. i have also been experimenting with colour palettes!

i am a deep/dark autumn colour palette. when i rebuild my wardrobe i will aim to get timeless pieces instead of trendy pieces.

i want to dress to stand out not to fit in. in the past my aesthetic was only based on what was popular at the time (eg. tiktok alt fashion). i look great in classy styles but i also need to figure out my essence. i am stuck between natural and classic but i believe my secondary essence is romantic. i think we have many essences, i don’t think we just have one.

be curious, not judgmental.