this is my first official diary entry i guess? i am very excited about writing an entry on here.

a few days ago i had a "conviction" almost to continue my site. the only thing that has truly been holding me back from doing this whole website thing is just how difficult it is to truly understand html. at first my plan was to watch a bunch of tutorials and become a pro at html before starting but i would have wasted so much time and plus you wouldn't be reading this right now!

one of my flaws is being really harsh on myself when i dont understand something the first time which is why i felt very dejected when html acts like html and things don't work out the way i envision them. this site will be more high-tech at some point. i know that it will but for now it is very basic.

today has been an okay day. i finally got someone to play tokimeki memorial. i cannot wait for her review. speaking of tokimeki memorial i would like to replay it! i want to get saeki's ending again, currently i play on ipad using delta emulator.

one thought i had today was the fact that i will never see this day again. suddenly i have been feeling very nostalgic about life. this time 3 years ago only God knows what I was doing. i am going to pizza express tomorrow for the first time, i ate a lot today so my plan is to get the pizza with the salad in the middle since i have been craving spinach. i will also get some cake but that depends on how i feel tomorrow. it seems recently i always want to chew on something. all the time!!! which is really annoying at times. i need to also work on how tired i get in one specific lecture. its only that lecture where i honestly feel like falling asleep. i end at 5pm tomorrow so i am going to lock in at the library for 2 hours straight (8pm till 10pm).

nothing changes if nothing changes. the only thing holding me back is myself.

i am seriously the only thing holding myself back from reaching my potential. i keep seeing signs regarding my potential and i know my phone will be detrimental if i don’t control myself.

as i write this i am watching how to change. as i listen i understand that i am where i am right now because of how addicted i have been to my phone.

i scroll and scroll and scroll, i’m feeding my mind nonsense. i know i don’t like it. something in my life is unaligned from where i want to be, which is stopping me from reaching my full potential.

the way i live my life has been curated by patterns i have seen my entire life. from today i want to shift.

reprogramming my mind

1. in each sector of my life how do i operate? how do my actions serve me?
1. career/academic: i overwork myself at times and i don’t manage my time well. i begin well, then i have a slump and i get extremely stressed when the due date comes. this spills into the other sectors of my life such as my relationships.
2. relationships: i wonder whether i have found the right people. i no longer people-please and i realise i enjoy my time alone. however, i still need to work on my idolisation of relationships and dating, i have not actively been looking but i do have maladaptive daydreams (which i do not enjoy). this is detrimental to my mental health and time management as i can daydream for hourssss
3. spiritual: i haven’t kept up with my prayer life and i don’t like it. however, i have consistently been to church and i now have a cross necklace which i love. it doesn’t serve me that i get lazy to pray and i jump straight onto my phone. it leads to me idolising things other than the Lord which in my heart i do not like.
4. mindset: i am very harsh on myself. whenever i make mistakes i loathe myself. it would serve me better to treat myself like i would treat my future daughter (God willing). i want to honour my inner child in all that i do. i want to caress her and nurture her. she lives inside me.
5. physical: i think about food a lot. it doesn’t serve me.


2. in each sector of my life what do i desire?
1. career/academic: i want to give academic babe. i want to radiate the nerdy mysterious girl. i want to ace my tests and have a set future for myself. i want to make the most out of opportunities and have them given to me on a silver platter just because. i want to have so many choices in life that all i can do is give thanks to God. i desire to religiously tell myself, i shouldn’t complain that there is too much on my plate when i prayed to eat. i desire to take time and experiment with all of my hobbies.
2. relationships: i want to be softer and feminine when relating with people. currently i do not desire a romantic relationship but i do desire a close platonic bond at university. i want friends that are also into self improvement. i desire a friend that is into niche things like me.
3. spiritual: i desire to hear God’s voice. i want to become a friend of God and to do things that please him. i want to feel the holy spirit more strongly and to no longer feel the urge to do worldly things. i want to let God take control of my life.
4. mindset: i want an abundance mindset. i want to radiate love and softness. i desire to have unshakeable standards. i want to prioritize myself and my selfcare. i want to pamper myself and nurture my inner child. i do not chase, i do not tolerate and i am selective. i want to pour into myself, i want my cup to overflow before i give to others.
5. physical: i want a body i am proud of - large afro x tiny waist combo. i want to watch what i eat and become better at cooking or baking. i desire to crave food less. i want to prevent my physical being from becoming an idol. i want to slim my face, tone my body and even out my skin. i want longer nails and a cute figure. i want to smell incredible and have an unforgettable face.


3. in each sector of my life what is my plan to execute?
1. career/academic: i need to focus on showing up every single day 1% at a time. the first step is the hardest but if i begin now my future self will thank me. i need to be consistent with staying on top of work + giving myself breaks. i will utilize the point system, so i actually reward myself with reason!
2. relationshipsi need to speak less and be softer with others. i need to be fully present and listen just to listen and not to reply. i need to spend time with myself and not rely on others to fill an entire area of my life. i will ask God to aid me in becoming more feminine by HIS standards.
3. spiritual: one by one i will cut out things that are taking me away from God. currently i will aim to spend less time on twitter (social media in general) and cut out secular music. i still need to pray whether instrumentals count as secular music. i need to make sure i add a bible study to this website consistently to look back on.
4. mindset: i need to regularly journal and watch my thoughts. i need to not get so caught up in my life that i forget to do this. to radiate love and softness i first need to be soft with God. i need to journal regarding my past self and forgive her for not knowing. i need to regularly repeat to myself that i come first, i don't chase and that i am selective. i will no longer be afraid to start afresh.
5. physical: i will regularly go to the gym. currently i only do cardio but i will implement pilates and some strength training. i will ensure i eat high protein meals but i will still let myself have sweet things from time to time. i will be conscious when i eat to prevent bingeing. when i eat clean my external follows. since starting university and having home cooked meals most days my menstruation phase has decreased from 7 days to 5 days and my flows are so light, i do longer feel any cramps on my period. i will actively wash my face each night and begin using salicylic acid for my sebaceous filaments.


4. where did these actions come from?
1. mostly childhood.


5. patterns?
1. regarding academics i procrastinate and i only focus on instant gratification. it helps me run away from the work i have to do. it’s probably due to the fact that as a teen i hated thinking about the future. my patterns with relationships link to the low self esteem i suffered with most of my life.
2. these things affect my mental everyday which i want to actively tackle!

i’ll begin working on my spiritual and academic areas. my spiritual discipline will leak into my mindset and my relationships. whilst my academic area will leak into my physical discipline.

i want to keep in the back of my mind that today is day one instead of one day.

i tried ramen for the first time. i think i am more of a rice person than a noodle lover.

i went with a friend that i haven’t seen in a while, so i was happy! i missed her a lot.

i didn’t do much schoolwork today but i am glad i did this entry. i doomscrolled today though. we are starting over.

"the oppressor will oppress the oppressed until the oppressed eventually oppress themselves"

hello! this is a quick update!

today i did a lot of work. i did around 5 hours. there were times when i did get lost in thought and daydream but it was not as bad as yesterday. my main focus is getting 1% better each day. the fact that i did better than yesterday is enough to drive me to do better tomorrow.

youtube played a video for me while i was working. it reminded me that i need to do everything with my future self in mind. i have to build trust between the version of me living today and the version of me that will exist in a few seconds.

she gave an analogy about being an opener in a shop. she said to first imagine that your coworker closed perfectly each night for you. if one morning you begin your shift and your coworker had forgotten to do one or two things - you wouldn't be that mad at them because 9 times out of 10 they always close perfectly.

then she said imagine your coworker consistantly didn't close correctly and everytime you began your shift you had to finish their tasks as well. the youtuber said that even if you coworker promised to not forget to do anything you're less inclined to believe them, due to pattern recognition.

i will stop leaving things for the future version of myself to do just because the me in the present feels too lazy. do it lazy. do it tired. do it upset. do it hurt.

soon the phrase,” oh, i’ll just do it tomorrow” will not be in my vocabulary.

tomorrow isn’t even promised. imagine Jesus was coming tonight how would i live my life? that’s how i should be living every day since..

"No one knows, however, when that day and hour will come--neither the angels in heaven nor the Son; the Father alone knows.” matthew 24:36.

i also saw a tiktok about the poem the cookie thief - valerie cox.

i would recommend you to read it but i’ll summarise. a lady waiting at the airport for her flight. she has a box of cookies beside her. she grabs a cookie whilst she reads her book and every time she does this the stranger also reaches into the box and grabs a cookie too.

the lady begins to get irritated and thinks to herself “if only i weren’t this nice!”.

soon there is only one cookie left. the man took it and snapped it in half so they could share. as she boarded her flight she was so annoyed by the interaction. she reached into her bag and realised that her cookies had been in her bag the entire time.

it turns out the cookies she had been eating, as she waited for her plane, belonged to the stranger. he had shared them with her.

how many times in our life have we been the cookie thief?

i’ve been the cookie thief many times. i’ve had a skewed perspective and only saw myself as the victim. acknowledging this is the first step. working on this is the next.

“it ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. it’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. “ – mark twain

“it's easier to fool people than to than to convince them that they have been fooled.” – mark twain

final words from me. i have also been experimenting with colour palettes!

i am a deep/dark autumn colour palette. when i rebuild my wardrobe i will aim to get timeless pieces instead of trendy pieces.

i want to dress to stand out not to fit in. in the past my aesthetic was only based on what was popular at the time (eg. tiktok alt fashion). i look great in classy styles but i also need to figure out my essence. i am stuck between natural and classic but i believe my secondary essence is romantic. i think we have many essences, i don’t think we just have one.

be curious, not judgmental.

hello it’s been a while! happy new year. i returned to university a few days ago and i have 4 exams. i need to update this site a little bit!

i’ve been working on myself the past 2 weeks. i have almost finished my first journal. i am proud that i stuck with it. for my second journal, i am going to up my game - i’ll emphasise writing down my goals, ideal image, visions, bible studies and how i will get where i want to be. it has taken me 6-7 months to finish my first journal.

i have been wanting to take this website more seriously. now that coding has finished it feels my drive has disappeared to work here continuously. but i want to make this something i will be proud of. i saw a quote that said,

“treat your studies, hobbies, and passions like they’re sacred, because they are.”

and it just woke me up. i hate repeating the phrase “i have to lock in”, i decided to change it to the present tense. i am locked in.

i woke up today and went straight to the gym. i got there at 6:42am and left at 8:00am. i feel really sore but i am happy i went. i built a gym routine yesterday. since the 1st of jan i have been doing gua sha twice a day. i got a steel gua sha yesterday and it feels great. i can’t wait to see what i will look like in 3 months.

i have adopted the mentality that everything my past self does - my future self will thank her. that mindset has shifted my reality. i will make a separate post about that soon. i had a deadline yesterday and a few people in my cohort hadn’t submitted their work yet. i caught myself thinking, ”i’m so glad i completed it earlier.”

to end this update i advise you to not wait until tomorrow - start now. don’t wait until 4pm start at 3:57 pm.

yesterday you said tomorrow - nike

If self discipline is a form of self love, then hard work must be a form of worshipping yourself.

hello it has been a while. happy february!

last month i learnt a lot about myself. i had exams too. i want to actively post here. i don’t want to sound like a broken record but i am now creating and no longer mindlessly consuming.

i made this edit during one of my study breaks. i used capcut - it was inspired by another edit i made in 2023.

the edit i made in 2023! fun fact: the creation of this edit was the catalyst of my editing journey leading me to create an editing instagram account that summer!

mini reminders for myself:

1. you don’t need to watch 10 videos telling you how to level up. you need to take action. watching 10 youtube videos will not do the work for you.

2. can you even remember the last 10 “#that-girl” posts you liked on tumblr? can you even recall what they told you to do?

3. stop looking for the next dopamine hit. it’s okay to be bored.

i’ll probably stay off instagram again for a while. i feel that the more time i spend on apps - the more i try to conform. i do not want to conform. i want to take action.

i'll stop discussing my goals. i'll execute. i'd rather leave people wondering how i did it.

i have a why. everytime i feel low the why pulls me back up again.

i have things to write, tasks to complete and scheduled me-time.

happy tuesday.

you will run out of time if you procrastinate.

more commitment, less complaining.

i did not mean to disappear for so long. februrary was somewhat of a blessing. i passed all my january exams - only thanks to God. i learnt a lot about myself and my triggers; i let myself feel anger for the first time in a long time. i’ve come to accept the past version of myself. i have also created an alter ego in my mind but she has to be given a name.

as i write this i am listening to the soundtracks of one of the first anime i watched. in february i realised that doing things the younger version of me loved really helps ground myself. i started watching totally spies instead of mindless scrolling - winx will be next (season 3 was my favourite). i also came to the conclusion that i do not have to put myself in a box. i can be sexy and soft at the same time. i love being playful and witty. i love being nurturing - who says i have to be just one?

i got a job! i mentor.

i noticed i put people on a pedestal and i don’t like that - now i catch myself doing it which is a bonus. i’ve stopped binge eating - i may have slacked on the gym HOWEVER i have a pilates routine i have been following .

i saw a tiktok yesterday that reminded me of this blog. if i do not have urgency i won’t upgrade. it’s already the 3rd month of 2025, have i improved? yes. but i am not where i want to be. it is better if i am consistent, if i show up everyday that’s better than never showing up. God can and will give my dream to someone else if i don’t make use of the limited time i’ve been given.

it is lock in or give up season. if someone followed me around would they believe i’m serious about my goals? i have to make the girl i want to become tangible. the woman i want to become. the woman that rides the horse. i can see her. i can visualise her. i have to make her a reality.

i hate wasting time scrolling, it is okay to spend time with loved ones though. i have to make time for God. i need to lock in with God. He has been so so good to me - i can’t even articulate the things he has done for me.

i think from now on, every update will include a way God has shown up for me. first off, He has given me grace to see a new day. God tells me my story is not over yet, His plans for me are not over yet. He has brought my spark back. secondly he removed my worries - he took control and moved things around for me. i have an induction at a hospital during my april break - if i were in control i would not have been able to make the induction due to clashes but God shifted things around so that my university placement did not clash with my hospital induction. God is good.

today i called my best friend for the first time in ages. i am glad i chose to live for one more day. my younger self is proud of me - my future self is counting on me.

todays watch.

thinking and not acting is not going to get you anywhere. get up

i took out my mini twists again and i attempted a wash and go. it didn’t come out anything like the videos i watched, i was frustrated and upset as my hair started to flake.

now that i have gone natural i have finally understood that it takes time. each day i learn something new about my hair, some days it doesn’t look perfect. some days i just want to hide away in my room. but i force myself to go out. i can’t let a bad hair day stop me from experiencing the world.

this is my God-given hair, who am I to say that the hair God has given me is ugly??

i washed my hair yesterday to get rid of the flakes - i had somewhere to be in an hour so i couldn’t do a twist out, i pushed it back with a headband and went out. as i write this entry my hair is in a half up half down style - my shrinkage is at 100%. at first i was disappointed in the extent of the shrinkage. my hair is a few cm away from brastrap length - but you can’t tell at ALL. my hair doesnt even reach my shoulders right now.

i’m living in an answered prayer. in june, when i first decided to stop using braiding hair and grow my natural hair; my hair fell downwards due to my heat damage. all my life i’ve had damage of some sort, i have always believed my hair grows downwards. that is far from the truth.

in jan ‘25, i finally removed all of my heat damage. i now see my real texture. i can see how springy my coils are, how they wrap around each other and how they shrink to half their length. this is how my hair likes to be. i can’t force my hair to be something it is not. i can’t force it to be looser. i can’t force it to mimic what i see online. my hair has gotten so thick since june - i never believed my hair was so full. until this journey i had no idea about my hair type. i believed my hair strands were fine but now i am uncertain.

i need to stop comparing my hair to looser textures. my hair makes me who i am. i look best in my natural state.

i want to stop seeing my hair as a battle. instead it is self care. the june version of me prayed for times like this.

i saw a snapchat memory of my hair from june, i had 0 volume in my mini twists because i held onto length. the ends of my hair were heat damaged, creating an uneven, stringy look.

the first time i cut my hair was in december ‘23, it was the scariest thing at the time for me. i trimmed some heat damage from back of my hair. seeing how limp it was on the table made me glad that i cut it off but the shortness of my healthy hair lead to me avoiding trimming my hair again. it reminded me of time times i was younger, my hair was shorter and the jokes that were made.

naturally my hair takes the shape of a heart. i believe that is God’s way of saying that He made me with a big heart which is why i feel so deeply.

my hair will grow. my hair has grown since june by a LOT. this is the longest my hair as been. i saw a quote a long time ago. the way i understood it was that “if i keep waiting until i get to x milestone before i allow myself to be happy then i WILL get to x milestone and i WON’T be fulfilled. instead i’ll create another milestone and the cycle repeats.”

i need to enjoy every moment. the happy ones. the sad ones. the frustrating ones. the confusing ones. i want to understand why i feel the way i feel. why i feel disconnected. i am different. i know i am. people don’t really know me. has it been like that all my life? have i always put on a mask? i want to remember. i’ll try to.

one last thing. i saw a tiktok that said something along the lines of ‘if you are becoming obsessed with someone (eg. a crush on a man) you are not busy enough’. that is my daily reminder.

i am still overcoming limerence but i need to pray harder to overcome it - it is creeping up on me again.

i applied for something and got rejected. i’ve been wearing my natural hair out. exposing myself to rejection had been aiding me.

i’ve always been scared to fail but it is okay to fail. it is natural.

even though i missed the internship, God will bless me with something better. maybe He wants me to rest this summer.

my birthday is soon. i can’t believe 2020 was 5 years ago. what have i done in 5 years? how have i changed? by a lot actually, more than i give myself credit for. i don’t think the younger version of myself would recognise this version of me. i am happy of where i am right now but i want to do more. i want to be more.

regarding my last becoming her entry i have started my beauty binder!

today i create my alter ego. as i write this i just heard in a video what if in five years i am still stagnant? i believe everything is a sign, every choice is a sign - sometimes i don’t believe in coincidences.

her name is oluchi. after one of my favourite victoria secret models!

”oluchi” is firm and strong-willed. she doesn’t fear failure because the quicker she fails the quicker she can reach her goals. ”oluchi” accepts her flaws and accepts that some days she cannot give 100%. she is also in tune with her inner self. she works hard for her inner child. ”oluchi” keeps God close, she prays before her major decisions.

”oluchi” doesn’t crave validation from others. validation from God is enough. she creates her own standard of beauty. she is confident but humble, thanking God for all her wins.

”oluchi” gets her sleep and has a nightime routine. she ensures that she is calm before bed and after rising. she prays throughout the day. ”oluchi” is not controlled my her phone.

next i need to continue my beauty binder and refine ”oluchi”

by the end of this year i want a 3ds. i am falling back in love with tokimeki memorial

when you’re lazy you miss God’s timing